she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
