"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
