We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
