this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
