I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
