so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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