i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
