oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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