The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
