I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
