just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
