I accidentally had phone sex last night
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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