really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i need some magic done to my vagina
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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