i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish you could order shots online.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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