everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
