He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
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