Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
