my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
