so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
