I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
