he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
