genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
