Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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