there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
