You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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