I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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