Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
