I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
