I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
