nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
