And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
