My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
