I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
