Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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