I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
