I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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