At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
