i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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