MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
