I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Randomize
