I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
