Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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