There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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