It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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