You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
