Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
