Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
someone owes me an orgasm
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
