sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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