Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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