just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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