All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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