my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
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I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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