I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
