my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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