I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
