the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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