Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
